Review – FakeIPLplayer (part – I)

More than half of IPL gone and KKR is loosing. To entertain myself I decided to review blog of the famous (known by the name ‘fake’) ipl player. Hope you are entertained also.

KKR. Kolkata Knightriders. What to say about this team which embeds “City Of Joy” in its name. I can’t start my review before I tell you/ you know something about the current scenario of KKR. This team is in a mess. Why? (read newspapers, you will find strange articles on multiple captains, rifts etc). Having Shah-ruk-ruk-Khan as owner and Dada-Sau-ran Gang-ungli as the biggest Indian player in it, it had to do well….but…reality is flipside. Our friend cum spy Mr. Fake-IPL-Player tells why through his blog.

Blogger was never so popular amidst masses in India until this guy came to tell his version of IPL. For those who don’t know about fakeiplplayer, this blog claims to provide ‘aankhon dekha haal’ from inside of KKR’s dressing room. He presumably is a non-playing-on-bench-water-boy in KKR.

Characters of his blog and there real identities incase you don’t know –
His KKR mates -

1. Dil-do (megalomaniac owner of KKR – SRK),
2. Lord Almighty (Acting captain of KKR before IPL started – Dada Saurav),
3. Kaan Moolo - Former India player who will remain a former India player for the rest of his career (a-NIL-agarkar). Kaan for his enormous ears.
4. Calypso King refers to Chris Gayle
5. RDB refers to Randeep Bose
6. Phoren Babas refers to the elite 10 member couching staff hired by Dil-do from Aussie. It includes Bhooka Naan.
7. Little John refers to Ishant Sharma
8. Bangla Tiger refers Mashrafe Mortaza
9. Junta Tormentor refers to Ajantha Mendis
10. Bookha Naan refers to Buchanan
11. Shakespeare refers to Akash Chopra
12. Ganji Hanger refers to Sanjay Bangar
13. Chintu Singh refers to Anureet Singh
14. Candy Nickle refers to Andy Biche
15. Mangal Pandey refers to Laxmiratan Shukla
16. Gilli Danda refers to Ashok Dinda
17. Boy George refers to Brad Hodge
18. Style Bhai refers to Murli Kartik
19. Budhiman Baba refers to Wridhiman Saha
20. Sticky Something refers to Ricky Ponting
21. Pa*ty Curry refers to ??
22. Chikna Pu*sy refers to David Hussey


Outside KKR guys –

1. Kishen Kanhaiyya commentator – Ravi Shastri – his moustache resembles Anil Kapoor of movie Kishen Kanhaiyya.
2. Sandy Baddy refers to Bandira Badi
3. Appam Chu**ya refers to Shreeshanth
4. Prince Charles of Patiala refers to Yuvi
5. Babli refers to Pretty Zinta
6. Sheikh of Tweak refers to Shane Warne
7. Bevdaa Team refers Bangalore Royal Challengers
8. Big Sister’s Team refers to Rajasthan Royals
9. Bubblie’s Team refers to Punjab Kings XI
10. Mr.Batlivala refers Mr Vijay Mallya
11. Little Monster / Aila refers to Sachin
12. Chatterjee Kaku refers to the old man who appears in Nokia ad contemplating ‘iss baar tum bhi jeetoge’
13. John Wrong refers to John Wright
14. Havaii Chappal refers to Greg Chapel
15. Meera Bhai refers to Harbhajan Singh
16. BubLee refers to Bret Lee
17. Sheeghra-Patan refers to Yousuf Pathan
18. Akram Azam refers to Kamran Khan
19. Big Mac refers to Mathew Hayden
20. Peter Ka Beta refers to Peterson
21. RVR Sing refers to VRV Singh
22. Joker - The Nepali guy(Chang) who was Indian Idol host
23. Big Sister refers to Shilpa Shetty
24. Little Sister refers to Shamita Shetty
25. Lady Jaya refers to Mahila Jayawardene
26. Deeghra Patan refers to Irfan Pathan
27. Arnold Power refers to Ramesh Powar
28. Pedophile Priest refers to Adam Gilchrist
29. VVS Ram refers to VVS Laxman
30. Ghati Baba refers to Rohit Sharma
31. Chinnu Popli refers to Virat Kohli
32. Chirkut Teli refers to Bharat Chipli
33. Durbaan of Patiala refers to Tom Moody
34. Saala Slimeball refers to Lalit Modi
35. Vakil Saab refers to Kumara Sangakkara
36. Cool Dude refers to MS Dhoni
37. Deeawar refers to Rahul Dravid

Headlines (Blog entries) of fakeiplplayer.blogspot.com

Let the game begin – Fake-IPL-KKR’s intro & role in KKR
The first match begins – partying in South Africa
Rumours and all – Lord Almighty out of playing 11 & accolades to Bhooka Naan
In the Stadium for Opening Ceremony – Praising Dil-do’s wife, Bativala & Lord Almighty’s scare of being sacked
We Play Today – Practise session and criticism of inauguration
Long Night…Short Post – Sheikh Warn & 3 angels
Lord Not Opening – Care & Concern about Lord Almighty
Rains & ruins – The weather report
Load Shedding – No electricity
I knew it! – Confused team with absurd strategies
Opium Night – Description about Club ‘Opium’ & Appam Chu**ya
Durban…Raining here as well – Critics of Bhooka Naan
The Wright Way – Fake IPL Player realizes the reality
Match Eve – Praise of Calypso King
We Play Today Again – Fake IPL Player gets noticed
The hunter has become the hunted – KKR in the quest of Fake-IPL-KKR.
Why Kaan Moolo got the Boot – Reason for Kaan Moolo expulsion.
The Lord Returns – Lord Almighty did the talking that day
I love match days – Rest Days & more light on Apaam-Meera Slap incident.
When the going gets tough – Laptops confiscated
Players love it – Everybody loves Fake-IPL-KKR
Morning Training Report – Lordie runs for a chance to snub Dil-do
This team rocks – Lordie boycotted by Phoren Babas & Price-Tag on Fake-IPL-KKR
BubLee aur Babli – guest entry (song) by Bubblies
Experiment flopped – sorry for the guest entry, criticism of Joker
Emosional Atyachaar – Lordie getting emotional, More absurd strategies of KKR & IPL’s fakeness
Big Match – Big Party and how Patiala Price, RVR & Appam tried to impress goris?
Hats Off to Bhookha Naan - Shakespeare and Ganji Hanger sent back while Appam stays back, advice to Batlivala
Battle of the losers – Team Meeting and signals of revolt by Mangal Pandey
Bye Calypso. Thanks for entertaining us! – Abysmal Farewell, Dil-do image degraded & Fake-IPL-KKR promises to reveal his identity.
Port Elizabeth – Here we come again – General Observations
Is this a bad dream? – Calypso leaves with some others to go after the loss
Finally some respite – And here she goes down…again. KKR men just can’t handle her!!
Volcano erupts in the pool – Skipper speaks, Dil-do seeks Sticky’s help & Appam’s name awarded cult status.
Big Game Hunting – Men looking for SA pie
Fights, flights and conspiracies – Lordie to be dropped, phoren coaches suggestions for next year’s IPL
It’s decision time folks – Lordie in & your vote counts here

Analysis

Few questions which are unanswered?
Ques1) Is Fake-IPL-KKR really fake?
Ques2) If No! Who is it?
Ques 3) Who is laughing the most?
And here we go for some answers…

Ans 1) As far as he can write intriguing captivating stuff, it doesn’t care.
Ps: there is a major possibility that some unsatisfied maniac/player/commentator/’over’ actor have asked some XYZ person to author this blog

Ans 2) Now comes the only original part of this post, rest was just compilation. Assuming the fake-IPL-player is not really fake, I have done some analysis and as a result of which, below are some probables for Mr. FIP:-

NOTE: Parameters considered for nomination –
1) Command in English & daring to use obscene words
2) Level of ‘frustu’ness
3) Bitter relationship with SRK (i.e Dil-do)
4) Analytical thinking – useful in connecting different blog entries & keeping reading pace captivating.
5) Amount of self-praising
6) Knowledge about player’s background. FIP uses Vakil Saab for Kumara Sangakkara and the fact Kumara Sangakkara is a trained lawyer, which means he must have good knowledge of players’ background.
7) Hatred against Bhooka Naan (Buchanan) & Shreesanth (i.e. Appam Chu).

1) Bangla Tiger (Mashrafe Mortaza)
For the (nomi)motion – This guy must be having high degree of ‘frustu’ness in him as he is on bench for more than half of the tournament. Also, google says he has good knowledge of Queen’s language.
Against the (nomi)motion – Does he have a good analytical mind?

2) Dada-Sau-ran (Saurav Ganguli)
For the (nomi)motion – Everybody knows his frequency doesn’t matches with SRK and KKR coaches. He must be moderately ‘frustu’. Also when you read the blog, the amount of praising done makes him a easy probable.
Against the (nomi)motion – Does he has so much brains to create this kind of blog?? Does he have so much time??

3) RDB (Randeep Bose)
For the (nomi)motion – A fine talent sitting on bench for a very long time. He must be very ‘frustu’ till date. He plays from Bengal and my research says he doesn’t like Appam too much.
Against the (nomi)motion – His writing skills?

4) Style Bhai (Murli Kartik)
For the (nomi)motion – A fluent English speaking personality who is tech-savy too. Loves Ganguly and hates KKR coaching staff.
Against the (nomi)motion – Level of ‘frustu’ness? Hatred against Appam-Chu?

5) Harsha Bogle
For the (nomi)motion – This IIM passout has a superb brain and great analytical skills. His relations with SRK - May be he didn’t liked SRK publicly disgracing fellow commenter Gavaskar (he wrote a column criticizing multiple captaincy concept). He is one guy who would have good knowledge of player’s background too.
Against the (nomi)motion – Why is he so ‘frustu’? Why would he be so ‘anti-Appam-Chu’?. Will somebody like Harsha Bogle use obscene words like Chu**ya, Dil-do, Pus*y in his writings?

Ans 3: So who is having the last laugh here! SET MAX obviously. They must be laughing everytime STAR PLUS appears at the back of elite KKRs.
My sympathies with STAR PLUS. After tackling Ekta Kapoor for 10 years, they have to handle dil-do’s KKR…dard-e-Dil-DO…poor chaps!!

Still to come on SPEAKing PICtures: Buddy Zoozoos
Don't miss – FIP review(part – II) after IPL-2 gets over.

Am trying to ape the idea of FIP. WIll be starting Fake-IT-Worker. Kindly get in touch if you belong to Software/Silly-con Industry

ICC twenty20 World Cup

Its NOT raining pains anymore, on the contrary its raining sixes. Indian cricket went into deep coma after their performance in the ICC cricket world cup 2007 (50 over version). Getting a defeat from Bangladesh and getting eliminated in the first round was the worst, one could think of EVER!!. That post-pathetic period is a past now. Its a new team, its fresh team and its a new format. Man, what a concept! I can't believe the big-baap of BCCI (read ICC) has developed such a fascinating concept. Ideally speaking, itz 'No Mercy' for bowlers in here. The game along with the commentators, narrating us 'each bowl, each movement, each cloud detail' is designed beautifully. It's fast, it's short, it's exciting and it's fasinating ;) And what ingredients are needed to make it exciting. Here is the list -

Arun Lal
His former Indian player tries his best to create that extreme hype needed to glue the viewers to their idiot boxes. His wordings sound as if his butts are fully loaded with anxiety pie or anxiety kababs. He will let you know each n every detail of the match...
... “AAauur ek buuuri khhhabar, upar se badalon se baarish ho rahi hai”...it seems obvious, but in his words, it sounds more real!

Zaheer Abbaas
He is a former Paki captain. And from a background like that, his speech naturally floods out urdu amidst his cricket commentary. Actually speaking, his cricket description in 'urdu-hindi-english' trio can go to extremes.
“Ye dekhiye ye kya ho raha hai, kuch cameramen ke lens ki wahjah se batsman ki aakh mein lashkaare jaa rahe hai...batsman ko pareshani mehsoos hote hue”
“Mere nazariye mein Gayle aise maarte hai, jaise koi baadshah chakka maar raha ho”

Vinod Kambli
He is the school partner of Sachin...but that partnership never really reached the ODIs. His commentary contains tons of tapori elements of Mumbaiya language.
“Aur ye phir lapeit diya hai..aur ye chakka”
“Bhaut le rahe hai bowlers ki”

Star Cricket's Cricket Crazy
Cricket Crazy is a prelude as well as an extension to the cricket adventure. Dunno the names of the hosts, but I can confirm that they are real maniacs. All they do is 100% pure mindless bakwaas, that will surely drive you crazy. “Some Couples are made in Heaven”...and I feel they are among them

Mohinder Amarnath
You must be knowing him (he was a part of '83 world cup winning team). This man can't hide his emotions no matter what happens. And he can't hide them while doing commentary too. And what to say about his singing talent. He will sing songs of praise when somebody hits a six, he will sing when somebody needs motivation, he will sing war songs to keep the fighting spirit alive, he will sing festival songs for celebrations and he will also sing when it rains (“oh aaj mausam bada baiimaan hai, bada baiimaan hai aaj mausam, aana wala kooiee tuuufan hai”)...the 70's retros are back thanks to him, that too on a sports channel...waah!!..an Indian Idol in making through singing commentary.

The GAME 'T20'
T20 is a critical commercial venture in order to globalize the sport. It's short and it's exciting. The biggest accomplishment of 20-20 has been the fact that it has brought the crowds back to the ground. Also, the tournament has seen many sitting-on-the-edges matches (close encounters), thereby seeking more attention of the viewers. However, you will also find a large number of guys debating about the 'quality' content in the game. Is there any part of technique in the game or it is just a show of power?? But then you will find people like me saying “if you want to admire that sport, you have to like every version of the game”.

RELIANCE MOBILE 'DANCING DOLLS'
Select two white girls and two off-white boys, give them one VCD of Prabhudeva or Mr=Ms(??) M .Jackson, lock them up in a room having rollercoaster functionalities. The next day, put up a blue stand, write those golden words on it ('RELIANCE MOBILE') and ask those two white girls and two off-white boys to do some aerobatics on it. Thats it...you will be witnessing 'dancing dolls' doing modern day mujra on it. And, what do the dancing dolls get in return for those acts of gymnastics??...any guesses...RELIANCE SHARES obviously :p. Only, Reliance, can come up with these kind of stupid ideas!!

...And the main statement of this write up – more than a billion people are HAPPY today, because they belong to a country namely “INDIA”

INDIA – world T20 champions

TV news + Xxxxxxxxxxxtreme Entertainment

After the implementation of CAS, almost all watchable channels have vanished and now you are forced to watch some really absurd stuff. On 5 Jan 2007, at 9:00 p.m., I was watching * NEWS (free-to-air channel) for a round-up of daily news, but at 9:30 p.m., I came across a special half hour bulletin on current India-SA series titled “Hum Kissi Se Kam Nahi” (Mathematically speaking, they believed that they can’t lie on left side of the symbol ‘<’). It was actually a special episode enchasing our Indian cricket team performance on the 4th day of the Cape Town test against SA. The anchor was in the mood of bashing the Indian Cricket Team…and he did that too…they virtually slaughtered Sehwag. The channel broadcasted clips of Sehwag’s reckless shot _____ times (actually lost the count). The language used to describe him had super-shocking sarcasm in it and boye! the facial expressions of the anchor was borrowed directly from those “I will kill you” movie lines.

One more day, one more bad result, one more match lost, one more series lost…

AND This time, I landed at Pakau Tak (it claims to be India’s best news channel) at 9:30 p.m.. They aired a show namely “Hum Nahi Sudhenge” (We won’t change). Pakau Tak is famous for its cricket serials and innovative names like “Dada ki Dadagiri” (big brother in big bad mood), “Jaffar ka Jalwa” (Jaffar’s heroics), etc. Its sometimes gives you an impression that somebody in the Pakau Tak team is doing a PhD on cricket and is researching through the Pakau Tak shows. Also, in the channel are two brave man, who have dedicated their life to cricket reporting – Chikrant Gupt and Fundeep Rajguru.
Coming back to the show, the host this time around was Chikrant Gupt. Others in the eminent panels of analyzers included Yashpal Sharma, Shunya-Dishum Bajpee and Fundeep Rajguru (live from SA). Missing humans included names of former Indian cricketers like Madan Lal, Saba Karim, etc. The discussion started and simultaneously Yashpal Sharma went into ultra criticizing mode. He wanted a investigation about playing of unfit Munaf Patel and exclusion of Harbhajan Singh (which is a damn valid point).
But our reporters went one step ahead. They started a really hot discussion within themselves about the Indian cricket team performance…Chikrant got the better job of "asking" while this partner reporter, Fundeep Rajguru (live from SA) got the job of "answering"…both mingled and complemented well with each other and the end-product they created was worth watching…seriously not many comedy shows can generate that amount of excitement which they managed. so0O...
Watch these channels…Superb time pass entertainment all around.

GPL vs EPL

Amid all the shit on TV, I just saw one more…sympathy for my much poor eyes. While surfing, I just encountered a unique useless time-pass show…the title being GRL (I presume that, since no clarity was given to the title). The show was being aired on MBV (Masala BV)…may be a sister channel of MTV.

The modus operandi of the serial was simple :- “how to flirt and its gains”.

As the nautanki started, a girl named ‘Mayuri’ introduced herself. According to her, she was almost a dentist. She also informed us about her SEX appeal and disclosed that it lay in her eyes (oof, wish my eyes were deaf and the ears were blind…at least I would have rendered myself from the self-praise of Mayuri). She also blabbered about why should we watch the rest of the show!

OK…breaking news…I just figured out what GRL (if it was the title ever) meant; it simply meant a GIRL.
Two vellas (Shakti and Max…READ FURTHER...

"Abbey ye kya hai !! hataoo isko"

“Abbey yeh kiya hai!! hataoo isko”…these were the first words which my mouth vomited after my not-so-unique eyes focused on my 15yr old Onida screen. The channel was SET MIN. So! Do I need to say more? Yes! I do…after all standing in front of bhootbangla won’t tell you the names of those bhoot/bhootnis who rule the bhootbangla.
(A word of caution - plz donot view the picture on your LEFT...it could be life-threatening!!)... Read Further

Plz guys!! USE UR BRAIN the next time u go for A debate

(Advice to all HUMANS – Plz USE YOUR POWER OF THINKING while reading)
(Disclaimer - this ISN’T PAK bashing)

I recently witnessed BIG FIGHT (a weekly pgm) on NDTV.
The topic of debate this week was Indian Students vs Pakistani Students.
Venue – Venki, South Campus, New Delhi.

Well the debate started coolly! All the opening comments were good. But, then I saw the Pakistani studs with some unusual arguments…

On the Mush issue, they supported him as their leader (tho I don’t support them, but I do not deny the existence of valid points in their discussion). Now here are some questions which came from the Indian side to the Pak lads – 1) Whom will India talk if Mush dies…since he is the supreme authority? 2) In this book, Mush is one man who is proud of Kargil. Now, firstly how can we trust such a person. Secondly, if Pak army withdraws from Kashmir, it would meant a weak signal for both Pak military n Mush (since Mush is also an army man). So, why would they be interested in resolving the issue!!

In between a point arrived where a Pak lad where trying to explain Why!! Why does terrorism occur. Then came a moment which actually shocked me; that guy trying to associate freedom-achieving-fighting with terrorism…“u must understand it’s under different circumstances that terrorism comes”. When asked to give some e.gs. He replied “such as POVERTY”.

(my advice to him :- man o man!! Dude you were representing a country n with an answer of that kind you unfortunately messed it up. Man, GOD gives power of thinking to all humans…n since you seemed to be a human my only query is ‘Why didn’t you used that power while answering’…ok lets suppose u were right…India is a country which has 40% of its population (>103 crore) under poverty line…that means greater probability of Indian-origin terrorists…now can you justify this in any way…sorry buddy this is pure contradiction).

Lastly there was one more cool Pak stud. As soon as he got the mike, he kept on repeating “please, let me speak, let me speak”. And what did he finally spoke !!, “India has 5 consulates in Afghanistan…Why…u know Indian guys are killing Baluchi children”. (my word :- It seems you think we Indians have no work to do…all we do is to construct consulates in Afghanistan and then kill Baluchi children…man think what are you speaking…India’s participation in rebuilding Afghanistan is more active than USA…and those 5 consulates must be there for helping that work and not for killing Baluchi children…give it some sense of what you speak).

BUT

All of Pak guys who came for debating may have replied illogical answers owing to their nervousness and anxiety but then they were representing a country named ‘Pak’. Hmmm…lets give them benefit-of-doubt since they were debating in a country from which they are down 3 times (INDIA)…n they were lads too. But they also had a valid ‘we Indians are masters in fighting among ourselves’…be it ancient/medieval/modern times.

Guys seriously give it a thought. Its actually ironical that Pakistan have some lads who do not even know the basics facts (they had major misconceptions about winners of Kargil and 65 war) and on other hand, have some fantastic music creators like Strings (see below), Atif, Xulfi, Jal, EP, Noori, Fuzon, Call, Raeth , ZEEST…..etc…etc…..