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Looking for work
creates opportunity. And this is how I became a chowkidar with additional charge
of chai supply. Proud to tell you that I was recently appointed as head
chowkidar at a discussion between different padhe-likhe (highly educated)
secretaries just before election summer of 2019.Visual setting was directly copied from 12 Angry Men, Ek
Ruka Hua Faisla or The Tashkent Files set up
[Chair]: So gentlemen, how is the josh?
[Chorus mein sab]: High boss…
[Chair]: So what have we achieved?
[Indian history secretary]: sir, India saw a non-congress
majority NDA government which is a key milestone in the glorious journey of our
nation. History will remember this chowkidari
BJP government headed by aM (self-personified-glorified-fantasied acronym) as
someone who took monumental decisions, made huge media spending and made this
century’s best marketing slogans…
Pause in the room
[Time-pass babu]: is
baat pe chai naashta lagwao sir… samose garam garam patanjali wale
[Chair]: ok…berozgar
chowkidar … bring whatever is the their wish!
ME: chai kaun si sir?
[Chair]: Progressive
brand
So guys, are we meeting 2014 targets as committed in BJP manifesto
except Ram Mandir (as matter is sub-judice)?
[Employment secretary]: YES sir. Security sector is
booming with self-employed over-confident Cs (chowkidars). Not just bottom of pyramid, security sector has also
created billionaires thanks to purchase of Rafale. And virtual world is also
employing in high numbers. All media talks about its growth under the aM
leadership. And what I know, even they are short of security experts due to un-con-trollable
security buzz.
[Chair]: Par data
kya bolta hai?
[Employment secretary]: Data is WIP sir. Since there are
so many of these chowkidars in the market now, vlookup is taking time.
[Chair]: Ok. What about manufacturing?
[Trade secretary]: Under the leadership of aM , our lath (hard long stick which gives pain
when received with a force) industry is growing out of bounds. Lath units under (self-empowerment > elected
govt power yojna) of BJP govt are flourishing
everywhere. And these are being exported as well.
[Chair]: How come?
[Travel secretary]: Sir aM has travelled extensively across
globe. Originally that was done to find solution to travelling salesman problem
but as a by-product has established the lath
as must have product in arsenal category, not just in western world but
also in remote parts of CIS region. From US to Mongolia, Indians are in demand
for their unmatched chowkidari skills. And wherever we have these Cs, laths are in demand. aM is a growth
hacker sir.
[Scientist babu]: I think after Steve Jobs, aM is the guy
to look out for in innovation and go to market strategies. A true entrepreneur.
He is a magician ; I think he can turn corn into unicorn sir.
ME: should I bring chai sir?
[Chair]: Meeting is going good. Replace chai with coffee.
ME: coffee kaun si brand ki sir?
[Chair]: True
leader brand
But, are our neighbours happy?
[Foreign secretary]: Yes sir, except P. That was excepted
after our surgical strikes which only aM could have highlighted and advertised.
[Chair]: What about China?
[Foreign secretary]: Oh they are very happy sir. More than
50% of smartphone market is occupied by Chinese. As we speak, Indian content is
watched more and more on Chinese made TVs. They have even allowed Indians to visit
Arunachal Pradesh peacefully while drowning money in P (with CPEC highway) and
in Sri Lanka (port infra). Foolishly they are now also contemplating to invest
in second genx of JF Thunder fighter jet… I don’t understand who gives them
these bad ideas…
[Chair]: And western world?
[Foreign secretary]: They love India especially its low
cost labour. Walmart and Amazon are heavily invested in India and are super
aggressive to disrupt retail and leftist trade unions.
[Chair]: But what should we assess about equation of
power in Indian subcontinent after dogfight?
[Defence secretary]: We have yet again shown the world
that Mig21-Bis can drown F16. Whole world assess us as strong powerful military
nation. All because of chowkidar sir.
Indians finally move from snake charmer perception & slumdog millionaire
genre to be famous for its chowkidari efficiency.
[Chair]: But how do we defend Rafale especially after all
hype in procurement?
[Procurement secretary]: That’s a tactical thing – we need
them especially after IAF lost 6 planes in 2019. Illiterate opposition does
even know Shreemad Bhagwat Geeta learnings that any phal (fruit) takes time.
And Raphal is also a fruit of karm (hardwork
done by French group and smart dedicated expert team of Ambanis).
ME: should I bring coffee sir?
[Chair]: Meeting is going good. Replace coffee with French
wine.
ME: wine kaun si brand ki sir?
[Chair]: Foolish you are to my amazement. Obviously Dassault,
Rafale manufacturers before Ambanis. We must have a free lot of wine samples,
just like, Tony Stark gave away complimentary bar of bottles after weapons deal
(before he became Ironman)!
Let us come to hard numbers. Money! I want to know impact
of Aadhar, GST and Demonetization.
[Finance secretary]: Lots of work has happened sir.
(a) People have become more fit after standing in Sun during
demonetization thus increasing long term demographic dividend of India and
raising India’s credit rating in the eyes of IMF. We now can get easy loans for
longer durations for our basic needs like bullet trains & hyperloops.
(b) For the first time in Independdent India, creativity
and currency have been merged in a cohesive unit to bring colour in lives of
masses. Happiness is believed to have arrive in everyone’s life, even colour
blind.
(c) GST has increased vision of small scale traders and
now everyone wants to be Ambani. Only aM could have pulled the dreams and up
the ante from miniscule daily goals to long term fancy desires. aM is a
borne-leader after borne-ultimatum.
(d) Aadhar has provided KYC to fasten up (voluntarily)
and we have seen a surge in new bank accounts openings in which we can put as
high as 15 lakhs once we get back from Nirav Modi and Vijay Mallaya
[Chair]: I can sense that all humanity is happy. All
credits to aM , the superhuman. I hope he must have extended wellness to
animals as well?
[Animal planet secretary]: Totally mooh sir. Cows are
treated at par with foreign ambassadors and just like we have dedicated
inter-ministry committee to address them, we have a dedicated ministry to cows.
[Chair]: Chowkidar replace wine with chachh or lassi. I
think India is on its way to become a superpower…
Me: But sssrrr
We don’t have clean water to prepare these?
[Chair]: Why? Why these small things can’t be taken off?
Where is the waterman?
[Paani paani
secretary]: Sir, actually namami gange
project is producing too pure water to consume. Coupled with pure air in Delhi,
water is not fit of human consumption. Delhi police under home ministry has also
issued advisory. And only consent of Lieutenant Governor can give deviation.
[Chair]: Who will monitor this now?
Silence…..
Me: May I sir,
Besides, this election is not about chai or any consumable drink or roti(food)/kapda(wearable dignity)/makaan(social security)/dukaan ya rozgaar (employment), but chowkidari [MONITORING THE STATUS QUO]
Under aM leadership, only thing is common for us between
2014 and 2019 is C [in capital bold
letters]
