Do Meet Vicky: Donor of Positive Energy

“Chi! Kitne leechad ho aap” is the kind of initial feeling when somebody goes after sperms to make a movie. But then! The idea will now make millions – Vicky Donor is Bollywood’s best offering in 2012. The movie with the unconventional theme thus has a sperm rating of 4/5. Go for it.

Story –

Vicky (sadda Dilli vhich munda) is a lazy clumsy Talented fellow who is underemployed as a beautician in his mother’s clinic. Talented because his factory production defies the normal operative laws (factory being the body and the output being sperms, both of high quality and density). We get all this information from Dr. Chaddha (infertility specialist), who is doing a social business of increasing population. The first half is brilliant – it generates a lot of laughter from all the sperm-talk b/t Doctor and Vicky. Another source of laughter is the conversations between Vicky’s mother and Vicky’s grandmother. First half is light, enjoyable filled with great superb acting – ultimate. Story takes a U-turn in second half and becomes fultu senti. Vicky marries his pyaar Ashima but then she can’t conceive. Laughs turn into tears but the transition is quite unpractical for audience. Thankfully this pack of energy helped me during this transition and kept me away for getting bored till The End.

Star Cast -

Anu Kapoor (plays Sperm Doctor) – The famous anchor of Sa Re Ga Ma plays the role of Doctor Baldav Chaddha. You kind of just admire the sheer talent and energy the genuine actor has to pull off just anything - A Punjabi sperm selling doctor. Awesome performance.  

Ayushmann Khurana (plays Sperm Donor) - “Thank You Shaktiman”. The rejected Roadie gave a good performance. His dialogue delivery when speaking colloquially is superb but is not impressive in senti scenes. He may give good competition to Ranveer Singh.   

Yami Gautam (plays Sperm Receptor) – Must say an impressive debut. “Ankhon mein teri ajab si ajab si adaain hain” – comments from my companion (Liked)

A part from these, movie would be incomplete without the Sperm-talkers (actors who played Vicky’s mother, Vicky’s grandmother, Vicky’s neighbour, Vicky’s girl-next-door) - All of them generated quality kich-kich.      

Music is a big plus in the movie. And also the stereotyping of Punjabi and Bong cultures. I was quite impressed that both were made to gel quite nicely amidst a lot of fun generation, considering I too almost have the same case with me. This trick always works in India. Haina!

Vicky Donor is a movie supported by strong tenets – unique story, great actors and good music. It follows the old school approach to entertain you, where in the main stress is on the story & characterization and not the technology, item numbers.  It ends abruptly but sends out the message - “Babumoshai, Zindagi Badi honi chahiye, Lambi nahin” (a cult dialogue from the cult movie Anand).

Answers to the most important questions -

Should I go? Yes! obviously

Why? Quality Story, Good Actors, Nice Music (iske alawa kuch aur chahiye!!)  

Then who will see this! – Wannabe sperm donors, guys seeking MBA students who participate in every B-plan competition.

Kiske naam pe bikega – Sperms and Sperms (ye bhout hai vaise! Aap bhi jaante ho aur hum bhi)

Words of wisdom – Go with an energetic body and a cheerful mind, it will surely enhance your production. Am I sounding like x guru!   

“Ek round mein 15 min jaata hai. Watchman hoon superman nahi.” ~ watchman to Vicky (hope you too were on the same lines)

ps: Never thought a movie can find its subject matter out of a paragraph in a ninth class biology book. P.S. Verma page no. 98 - you deserved it.

Movie Review: Hate Story

Two boys just after the movie
A: Pata nahi why par main incomplete sa mehsoos kar raha hoon
B: matlab!
A: I guess I have missed something in the movie
B: Dude! They weren’t there

Period. Actually if you are really dying to catch this movie, then you get the message. But still, the ritual rating has to be given -2/5. It is watchable with exotic-ness justifying the (A) rating but not the hype generated.

Story –

A journo, Kavya (Paoli Dam) exposes a cement business. Its owner, Siddharth Dhanrajgir (Gulshan Deviah) decides to f*ck her (quite literally). Somebody in the audience whistled on the appearance of the name, Siddharth Dhanrajgir (he must have remembered 1970s). The f*cking gets her pregnant, the shrewd businessman gets her reproductive organs removed and then the pros rises - “main iss shehar ki top ki r**di bannna chahti hoon” (I want to become the top pros of this city). Rest of story is how she used her body to get herself the justice.

Casting –

Paoli Dam – as a pros gives her professional best. Acting was decent, much better than Aisha (actress who acted in it). The publicity has brought her to mainstream limelight; verdict will be clear perhaps later but she deserves some more quality chances.
Gulshan Deviah – one of those actors who are defined by the phrase ‘isko kahin dekha hai’. Nice attempt. He was best with his stammering lines and one-liners (engineers may be recall the cult movie, Gunda by the style of his dialogue delivery).
Nikhil Dwivedi – He debuted in a movie called ‘My Name is Anthony Gonsalves’. Many viewers reported of not recalling their name after watching it. But here he was simply realistic – enacted the character of a loser like his real life.
Saurabh Dubey – plays Kumar Dhanrajgir, father of Gulshan Deviah. Awesome performance.
Joy Sengupta – enjoyed the maximum with the protagonist (isne sabse zyada maaze liye). Never actually thought that he could do B-grade stuff so0O very well.
Mohan Kapoor – he was no match to Joy.

Cinematography is seriously B-grade. Music, even if it was there I can’t recall. Screenplay is satisfactory. Hate Story’s biggest asset is some of its one-liners which are few and limited.
A couple of them –

"I f*ck the people who f*ck with me"

&

“chuhiya ke daant to sher se paine hote hai, but panja sher ke pass hi hota hai”

Answers to the most important questions -
Should I go? NO. Incase you insist for this, you will have to play the ‘ab-aayega-scene’ game for nearly 3 hours. Ensure your energy levels to survive by carrying Tzinga with you (survival tip).
Why? Catch a better quality B-grade in your old cinema hall. Am sure you will find one.
Then who will see this! – fans of Mallika Sapera (surname nahi yaad aa raha, but photo dimaag mein hai), SherLion Chopra (another hypo) and wannabe actresses like Poo-Naam-Pan-Doo (quite a length covered!). In addition to famed list, any audience who is shy to see a B-grade movie in an old rickety cinema hall but are fine with multiplexes.
Kiske naam pe bikega? – one-liners and the erotic poster!!
Words of wisdom - Watch on DVD (if you are curious). Instead go for a better quality B-grade movie.

ps: Once I saw this awesome Bhojpuri movie “Current mare goriya” while travelling in a video coach somewhere nearby Dhanbad. I treat that as a benchmark when it comes to a B-grade. By God! Aaj uski phir yaad aa gayi (remember it today)

Indian Cartoonists to adhere to Mamata guidelines

And before I go on, it is indeed important to know ‘Mamata who?’

Mamata (or Mamta) is a Hindi word which means ‘Mother’s Care, Love & Affection’. In Indian context, it becomes important. But a lady in West Bengal is doing something extraordinary confusing (quite opposite to it).
And I too shall confuse you and…ok! No…but! Ya….let me Speak about ‘Mamta’ whichever you can relate too. [this dilemma is important for my blog’s existence]

A cartoon by a Chemistry professor came out. When I heard about that while travelling in Delhi Metro, I thought ‘wow’. A cartoon by a chemistry prof, must be interesting. He must have taken a quick comic stand on the structures of testosterone’s OH group (in chemistry, it’s called alcoholic group) and estrogen’s COOH group (acid group! Though I have to admit, I have very limited knowledge about the structure of the female hormone) and then he must have compared to the Lefts/Rights of West Bengal. But like always, expectations lead to disappointments. Cruel news channel broadcasted the story and to my shear disappointment, the chemistry professor did not adhered to his area of expertise. It wasn’t about the testosterone/estrogen’s structure, infact it wasn’t about chemistry, infact it wasn’t a cartoon. All it was about was Mamata and her definition to define cartoon and what are the sections under which you can be tried if you don’t draw her ‘good’ cartoons. Fearful I am [ab mera kya hoga!]

This blog (SPEAKing PICtures) was first started to store my cartoons (namely earlier as FUNTOONs). At that time, I had limited space on my disks. Some brilliant optimizers convinced me to store my useless caricatures here (on web) and instead insisted to store those movies on the disk and make the collection. Collection, I am obviously not going to talk about. Thanks to that! I can call myself a movie jockey today and a sorry cartoonist.

So being a self-acclaimed cartoonist, I could technically testify that it wasn’t a cartoon. It was just a graphic (with very-very bad finish to it). But in the end, it highlighted the issue better than a cartoon. But the whole episode gave me quite a few insights about cartoons. And the reasons for not making cartoons of my opposite gender (F). I earlier thought, because they wear fake-up on their face most of the time, caricatures of them won’t be a good proposition (a manger should say 'an asset building exercise') all together and might harm the cartoonist’s somewhat acceptability. But thanks to Mamata, I now know the IPC sections under which I can be tried (like the graphic designer Prof. Ambikesh Mahapatra, the chemistry professor of Jadavpur University). Therefore, I be rather preventive (a pre-crisis strategy taught to me to avert Crisis in most relevant subject of MBA - Interpersonal Communication’s lecture of Crisis Management). Otherwise the trials can happen under –
- IPC section 500 (punishment of defamation). Cartoonists are already poor and not identified under BPL families even if they are. This section can really take of their existence. Risk type - Fatal
- IPC section 509 (make obscene gesture to a woman). Risk type – Fatal again especially if you are single and unmarried
- IPC section 114 (abettor present when offence is committed). Sorry! Can’t understand. Haven’t studied this in my legal aspects of business paper.
- sections 66 A and B of the IT Act (sending offensive communication). OMG! A simple cartoon under this. Savita Bhabhi might now feel a bit less important.

Essentially the sections above produce enough threat/risk/whatever for a cartoonist to have a take on females. But then, how will the guru from whom I copied my cartooning skills, Sudhir Tailang survive. For today’s India which is full of American fatty-acids, the cartoons of Behenji, Amma, Didi, Honourable? President, Madam, Devi can provide enough laughs to keep the heart fit. Imagine the consequences of a healthy laughing India - the planning commission will have to brainstorm less over the poverty line and can more time in planning IPL boundary lines. A reduction in poverty line will result an affordable consumption of Colas in the booming company. Bollywood ke starsons will then advertise BPL pack only for this much (marketers will call it ‘change the game’ strategy – an upliftment for the deprived…target bottom of the pyramid…wow)…I can’t stop, it’s like ‘Alice In Wonderland’.

But sadly, Mamata has no mamta for cartoonists. She feels offensive, threatened and what not. I can now see myself as a terrorist with a pen in hand and a smile (always). Obviously! The character sketch seems to be of an assassin (thanks to another Bengali – Bob Biswas in Kahaani). So, West Bengal if things remain same, it will be really difficult to speak/express/love/mamta.

A strong part of me has Bengal in it (thanks to my Mamta’s roots). The best thing about Calcutta is its charm and that everyone is kind of ‘livable-respectfully’ satisfied, if not rich. Oh! It is becoming nostalgic now, the charm of West Bengal (contact any of your Bong friend for a detailed account of this). My mother always says that Bengalis are a kind of oxymorons. They look loud & aggressive but are not (comparative to guys/dudes/jats of North). Bengalis are more expressive and creative. Creativity is the food for soul. May be thatswhy I perceive West Bengal to be satisfied. But if the current Mamata is supporting the arrest of chemistry prof…then I think
Think…
Think…
It’s right. Twist!. How dare he (the prof) infiltrate in the territory of cartoonists. All he made was a graphic yet he wanted to have all the fame. Cartoonists of India will not agree to this. And for TMC’s Mamata Di, they will drink Bournvita (on recommendation of quiz master Brien, who is silent after drinking it and not heard). They are also ready to go through the easy readable sections of IPC and make more cartoons of Mamata.

Now I regret my right palm fracture. I have lost the Golden opportunity to impress Didi. Somehow I have added a caricature, adopted from my publication at IIT Kanpur. However! I hope my fraternity of cartoonists (if they accept that I am a part) will remind of our love for your acts always.

(disclaimer – the reader should not assume that the author is a leftist sympathizer. And obviously this write-up is not intended to (cannot) cause any harm/offense/hurting. If it did, apologies in advance).

Titanic Scenes in 3D now (revisit it)

Titanic is a cult movie. Survey results tells us that almost all girls have it onboard on their hard disks and a third of boys like to watch its glimpses on a regular basis. Don’t you dare ask the source. Some things can be safely assumed.

The intent in this review is not to review the cult movie, but to review the experience offered.
Rating for the experience – 4.5/5

Story –
Are you kidding? Obviously YES! IF you are a kid. And may be Titanic may just be the reason for it (ask your parents, if you dare). The story is same, that of original Titanic. Incase, you have missed it…head towards the movie theatre (for 3d) or open your torrents (for 2D). 3D recommended for sure.

The 3D experience –
Titanic 3D offers you the best 3D experience. Haven’t seen any movie better in this format. The awesome feeling, when people run on the deck and the fall from the ship’s mast into water is breadth-taking. The romantic feel even comes to non-romantics when DiCaprio and Kate stand in that famous T-pose. The water gushing into compartments, etc – Titanic 3D is an experience worth visiting.

People to review –
DiCaprio – He is a stud anyway.
Kate Winslet – You will like her. Some will love her. Nobody will ignore her.
James Cameron – fantastic business opportunity created. This will definitely create a trend now.

What works – brand Titanic
What not – may be the timeline (incase you have problems with 3D flicks)
SPEAKing PICtures verdict - Please gear up the 3D specs and revisit the cult.

ps: A kind of personal trivia. Dad has seen only 3 movies on 70mm till date – Hum Aapke Hain Kaun, Devdas and Titanic. Speaks the importance. Glad to catch it again on 70mm. Memories come back sometimes and you kind of love it!

Noticeable trivia – The seductive "drawing" scene is the first scene that Kate and DiCaprio did together. (source)

Disclaimer- the writer is a non-romantic person, who stays away from re-watches of romantic movies.